You don't have to call anymore, I wont pick up the phone.

I woke up in a better mood this morning but the days activities or lack there of has brought me back down. I hate how I feel at night, it's like it just builds up all day and every single night I just want to cry. Whaaat is wrong with me? "You said that you were sorry but I don't believe you baby like I did before" I don't know what I need to do to shake this shitty feeling I have all the time but I need to figure it out. I can't feel like this any more I refuse to let this summer be a let down. Rascal Flatts isn't even cheering me up and that's a problem.

You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom.. Oh Gars<3 All I want to do is find a band who needs an extra person to do whatever and just go on tour with them. It would be amazing to just go wherever and not worry about anything and just be around music all the time. God that sounds so perfect. Music and just following the roads wherever they take you.

I really hate being such a Debbie downer, writing all this helps a lot I just laugh at myself and feel a little better. I laugh because this isn't me. I laugh because of how pathetic I sound and how ridiculous this situation I'm in is. I'm sad because I feel like it's not even my fault. Stuck, trapped, lost, confused are a few words that come to mind that pretty accurately describe how I feel. Hopeless probably fits it best. I wake up in the morning with all the hope I could ask for and ask the day progresses it just gets sucked out of me as I get shut down by basically everything. I applied for a handful of loans today for school and it was denial after denial. What do they expect me to do? Sorry Johnson & Wales i actually DON'T have an extra 35 grand lying around. Nope, my mom didn't put away for my college fund when I was little, sorry. Stupid private colleges.

I can't think of one positive thing to write about. Besides the fact that I'll be in Nashville in 11 days, but that doesn't even feel good to think about because I have $1.73 in my bank account with no flight back and what am I supposed to do there with a dollar 75 in my account? I hate this. I hate this so much.

I've been a lot of lonely places

I didn't think coming home would result in me being almost as unhappy as I was in Memphis. Everyone I used to turn to has just turned into a huge disappointment, it's like I can't rely on anyone. I go away for a school year and it's like everyone has forgotten about me. I don't even know what to do with myself right now. I suck at being alone. And crying makes my damn wisdom teeth hurt. I just got them out on Monday so it's been 3 days and it sucks. Everything sucks right now my friends, most of my family, not having a job, not having money fuuuuuck this. What am I supposed to do with myself? Who the fuck am I supposed to turn to?
Whatever. I'm so sick of everyone and everything I just want to scream and cry and scream. Nothing has worked out the way it's supposed to or the way I had planned in my head. I feel like my life is just falling apart and everyone is just going on their way not even paying attention. Nobody cares. It feels like everyone that has come into my life in the past 8 months has just taken a little piece of me and left. Left me alone to fend for myself. Like oh she'll be fine who cares about her? Apparently nobody except maybe my mom. I love her, I just wish she could do better in her own life. I wish I could find her a better job so she can make the money she deserves to be making and buy the things she wants to buy and not have to struggle.

I'm going to CMA Fest in less than two weeks and I don't have a return flight. And I'm contemplating not buying one. I can just stay with a friend i doubt anybody would even notice. I can't even afford to buy one! UGH.. I have nothing to come back to during the summer anyways. Not until the end of August do I have something to come back to. This idea is sounding better and better.

I could go on and on about how much everything sucks right now but it just upsets me even more and I'm not really in the mood for a pity party.

Goodnight.

CC

imsorryimsorryimsorry

Never wanted this never want to see you hurt.

Rough night. It was supposed to be a good time and it was up until the end. I just feel terrible :( I guess I'll start by saying that I went out with a friend who wanted to be more than a friend for quite some time. But in my own defense I told him numerous times I didn't feel the same way as him. I guess I shouldn't have hung out with him after that but I enjoy his company. I think tonight was the last time we'd be in eachother's company. I'm sad because he said I had been his crush for like 5 years and I know how it feels for your crush to not feel the same way, and it sucks. I wish i felt differently but I just don't and I'm sorry.

On a lighter note, I am working tomorrow!! It's about daammnn time. I'm working at the Sugarland show tomorrow night and then the Kiss concert all day on Saturday. Then on Monday I am getting my wisdom teeth out, YIKES!! I am definitely not looking forwad to that but I'll be glad when they're out. Other then that I've really just been on an intense job search with NO luck, shoot me. It's absolutely horrible and I need money now more than I ever have. CMA fest is in less than a month and I still haven't bought my plane ticket. Speaking of CMA fest, Lorena isn't coming anymore and I couldn't be more upset about it. I had a gut feeling something would prevent her from going the entire time but the reality of it just sucks. And it's her birthday that week so it's just a huge bummer, especially for her :( I wish money grew on trees.

I'm also trying to get loans for Johnson and Wales next semester because as of now I need to come up with 16 grand ASAP and it's just not looking very good right now. I know there are thousands of colleges in the country but not ones that have my major. If the do they are basically the same price as J&W. It's not even like I mind paying that much I just don't have it and really have no way of getting it. Nobody will give me a loan :(
I hate to complain so much but my life just isn't really going according to plan right now. I am beyond frustrated and I feel sort of trapped and helpless, I hate it. I don't know who to turn to or where to even start.. I just hope I figure something out soon because I can't live like this! It's driving me crazy, I am just miserable :(

Anyways.. I guess I'll stop complaining now. Goodnight blog :)

Coco

everything comes full circle

When people suddenly act different for "no reason" there's ALWAYS a reason, you just haven't found out yet. Trust your gut, 99.99999% of the time it's right.

I'm finally home :) and it's great.. kinda boring at the moment with no job but still better than being in Memphis. I have been job hunting all week and applied to a bunch of places and now I'm just waiting for a rsponse.I'm praying that Friendly's or the 99 will call me because I'd really like to start getting into waitressing. I also need money for CMA fest in like 27 days. If i don't find a way to make quite a bit of money in the next couple weeks I don't see how I could possibly go to cma fest. :( That situation really sucks i thought i would have more time to make the money but it's just going by too fast.

I'm gonna go make some breakfast and watch Kathy Lee & Hoda :)

Peeaaccee<3

Coco

There's never a right time to say goodbye.

First of all lemme just say it's not quite as enjoyable listening to music when one of your headphones is out. One of my head phones ALWAYS dies.. I have terrible headphone luck. Second of all, goodbyes really suck :( one of my perty good friends down here just left and I'll probably never see him again. Not fun.

On a happier note I'm basically all packed and so ready to take my piano final tomorrow and BE OUT. I can't even imagine coming back here for another year. I mean sometimes I kind of want to but then I remember all of my amazing friends back home that I really miss compared to the stupid people down here. I guess you can't fit in everywhere. It was weird not making friends the way I thought I would or how I usually do everywhere I go. I am more then excited to go to JWU next year and hang out with real, awesome, NORTHERNERS. Well maybe I shouldn't say that because I have a lot of great friends from the south and it's really just Memphis, TN that sucks a giant pair of balls. Nashville is pure amazingness along with most other cities down here in the dirtay south ;)

I'm leaving Friday morning at 10ish hopefully a little bit earlier and I'm hoping the ride to Nashville will be good. The flooding over there has me a little bit worried but according to everyone I have talked to the roads to the airport are fine. There's supposed to be "isolated thunderstorms" on Friday but hopefully they will go away by 5:40! Flying is difficult enough for me without bad weather.

I can't wait to get back so I can apply for jobs like a crazy person. I will be working at concerts again this summer but that doesn't pay well enough, plus it doesn't start until the end of May and I need a job ASAP so I can pay for CMA Fest :) Which btw is in 34 days!! :D!! I don't know how I'm going to make enough money in less than a month to have a good time but.. I'm definitely going to try!

Welllll that's all I really have to say for now, until next time :)

Love coco

You stole my heart now I'm gonna steal your's too.

Hello! It's Sunday which means I have just 5 days left in Memphis! Yay!
This weekend was quite interesting. I found some things out that really made a lot of other stuff that I have wondered about in the past make perfect sense. It's crazy how things just find their way to you, all the pieces fit together and you can stop wondering about stupid things you never should have been worried about in the first place. I'm glad I know the truth and it makes me feel so much better about the decisions I made with the certain somebody. It also makes me feel bad for his ridiculous girlfriend who has stayed with him through the bullshit, cheating, lying.. I mean whaaaat? I wonder if she knows everything, there's no way she could know and still be with him. She'll figure it out some day and realize how stupid she has been and cry for days. But enough about that I really couldn't care less anymore. :)

I've been on a Kenny Chesney buzz lately I'm loooovin his music, probably because summer is just around the corner and that's basically all he sings about.
So my flight leaves Friday out of Nashville<3 at 5:40 I think and I arrive in Providence around 9 :) sounds like a long flight but its just over 2 hours, the time change makes it look longer but I'm glad it's not.

This weekend we had like 5 tornado warnings! It started Friday morning early at about 4:30 and the alarms just kept going off all day long. The first couple scared me but after realizing they were being just a bit overcautious I got over it. We sat outside and watched the crazy clouds roll by. The sky was really dark and scary and the lightening was constant. I'm glad there was no thunder because it gets LOUD down here way louder then any thunder back home.

I hate to be all over the place but I have a lot of topics on my mind! I really need new music on my itunes. I'm so sick of listening to the same music over and over and over. It's just lame paying for music, I mean I only pay for it now no Limewire or any of that stuff for me anymore, even though it's so much easier. I prefer to support all the artists :)

Well i think that's all I've got on my mind for now, until next time!

Love Coco :}