You know those days, or in my case the past few weeks, when it feels like everything has just crumbled? Literally everything. Everything you try to do right fails. Every right decision you try to make turns out to be the wrong one and every person you thought you could trust turns out to be a liar and a thief. A thief of your energy, a thief of your poise, a thief of your confidence, a thief of your personality. I feel like I have just been broken down so much over the past year and I can't get back on track, nothing I do is right. Really sitting here and thinking back over this last year makes me realize how many wrong decisions I have made. Maybe I never should have gone to Memphis or maybe I should have gone back this year. Maybe there was a reason I went and came back, though I haven't figured it out yet. I know at the time I could not picture myself back in Memphis, now I can. I miss people I never thought I would and I miss the independence and being 1200 miles away from everyone and doing whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted with whomever I wanted. So much is happening to me right now and in this past month I don't even know how I'm still standing. I don't know how I haven't completely broken down and just cried for hours. I feel like I need it but I just can't, it's not coming out. I don't know what it's going to take but I hope that there isn't something bigger and more terrible coming that's going to just completely break me because I don't know that I'll be able to handle it. Music isn't even bringing out the tears, which is odd because music always gets me. Sad songs always bring on the tears.. but not this time, I got nothing.
It's starting to get really cold outside and taking the bus,train, bus to and from work is starting to SUCK. I have to get a new, big, warm, comfy jacket to keep me toasty on these hikes.
that's all. good night <3
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