You don't have to call anymore, I wont pick up the phone.

I woke up in a better mood this morning but the days activities or lack there of has brought me back down. I hate how I feel at night, it's like it just builds up all day and every single night I just want to cry. Whaaat is wrong with me? "You said that you were sorry but I don't believe you baby like I did before" I don't know what I need to do to shake this shitty feeling I have all the time but I need to figure it out. I can't feel like this any more I refuse to let this summer be a let down. Rascal Flatts isn't even cheering me up and that's a problem.

You don't look a day over fast cars and freedom.. Oh Gars<3 All I want to do is find a band who needs an extra person to do whatever and just go on tour with them. It would be amazing to just go wherever and not worry about anything and just be around music all the time. God that sounds so perfect. Music and just following the roads wherever they take you.

I really hate being such a Debbie downer, writing all this helps a lot I just laugh at myself and feel a little better. I laugh because this isn't me. I laugh because of how pathetic I sound and how ridiculous this situation I'm in is. I'm sad because I feel like it's not even my fault. Stuck, trapped, lost, confused are a few words that come to mind that pretty accurately describe how I feel. Hopeless probably fits it best. I wake up in the morning with all the hope I could ask for and ask the day progresses it just gets sucked out of me as I get shut down by basically everything. I applied for a handful of loans today for school and it was denial after denial. What do they expect me to do? Sorry Johnson & Wales i actually DON'T have an extra 35 grand lying around. Nope, my mom didn't put away for my college fund when I was little, sorry. Stupid private colleges.

I can't think of one positive thing to write about. Besides the fact that I'll be in Nashville in 11 days, but that doesn't even feel good to think about because I have $1.73 in my bank account with no flight back and what am I supposed to do there with a dollar 75 in my account? I hate this. I hate this so much.

I've been a lot of lonely places

I didn't think coming home would result in me being almost as unhappy as I was in Memphis. Everyone I used to turn to has just turned into a huge disappointment, it's like I can't rely on anyone. I go away for a school year and it's like everyone has forgotten about me. I don't even know what to do with myself right now. I suck at being alone. And crying makes my damn wisdom teeth hurt. I just got them out on Monday so it's been 3 days and it sucks. Everything sucks right now my friends, most of my family, not having a job, not having money fuuuuuck this. What am I supposed to do with myself? Who the fuck am I supposed to turn to?
Whatever. I'm so sick of everyone and everything I just want to scream and cry and scream. Nothing has worked out the way it's supposed to or the way I had planned in my head. I feel like my life is just falling apart and everyone is just going on their way not even paying attention. Nobody cares. It feels like everyone that has come into my life in the past 8 months has just taken a little piece of me and left. Left me alone to fend for myself. Like oh she'll be fine who cares about her? Apparently nobody except maybe my mom. I love her, I just wish she could do better in her own life. I wish I could find her a better job so she can make the money she deserves to be making and buy the things she wants to buy and not have to struggle.

I'm going to CMA Fest in less than two weeks and I don't have a return flight. And I'm contemplating not buying one. I can just stay with a friend i doubt anybody would even notice. I can't even afford to buy one! UGH.. I have nothing to come back to during the summer anyways. Not until the end of August do I have something to come back to. This idea is sounding better and better.

I could go on and on about how much everything sucks right now but it just upsets me even more and I'm not really in the mood for a pity party.

Goodnight.

CC

imsorryimsorryimsorry

Never wanted this never want to see you hurt.

Rough night. It was supposed to be a good time and it was up until the end. I just feel terrible :( I guess I'll start by saying that I went out with a friend who wanted to be more than a friend for quite some time. But in my own defense I told him numerous times I didn't feel the same way as him. I guess I shouldn't have hung out with him after that but I enjoy his company. I think tonight was the last time we'd be in eachother's company. I'm sad because he said I had been his crush for like 5 years and I know how it feels for your crush to not feel the same way, and it sucks. I wish i felt differently but I just don't and I'm sorry.

On a lighter note, I am working tomorrow!! It's about daammnn time. I'm working at the Sugarland show tomorrow night and then the Kiss concert all day on Saturday. Then on Monday I am getting my wisdom teeth out, YIKES!! I am definitely not looking forwad to that but I'll be glad when they're out. Other then that I've really just been on an intense job search with NO luck, shoot me. It's absolutely horrible and I need money now more than I ever have. CMA fest is in less than a month and I still haven't bought my plane ticket. Speaking of CMA fest, Lorena isn't coming anymore and I couldn't be more upset about it. I had a gut feeling something would prevent her from going the entire time but the reality of it just sucks. And it's her birthday that week so it's just a huge bummer, especially for her :( I wish money grew on trees.

I'm also trying to get loans for Johnson and Wales next semester because as of now I need to come up with 16 grand ASAP and it's just not looking very good right now. I know there are thousands of colleges in the country but not ones that have my major. If the do they are basically the same price as J&W. It's not even like I mind paying that much I just don't have it and really have no way of getting it. Nobody will give me a loan :(
I hate to complain so much but my life just isn't really going according to plan right now. I am beyond frustrated and I feel sort of trapped and helpless, I hate it. I don't know who to turn to or where to even start.. I just hope I figure something out soon because I can't live like this! It's driving me crazy, I am just miserable :(

Anyways.. I guess I'll stop complaining now. Goodnight blog :)

Coco