got my mind on my money, money on my mind.

I'm bugging out. It's almost 4 am and i'm at my mom and sister's because it was her birthday tonight and I met her our for it. I only stayed out for maybe an hour because I've been working so I'm exhausted. I've been sleeping and woke up because the baby was fussing and my mom and sister were up. They live in a small apartment so it woke me up. Which in my sleepy mind pissed me off and my mind started going and because I'm always worried about everything I started worrying about my life and money and recent decisions I've made and now I'm just freaking out about everything and can't go back to sleep :(

I'm supposed to be going to see Adele in 2 weeks in New Jersey with my friend but just decided that I can't because it's just going to be too expensive to get there and stay in a hotel and all that shit. I have to buy my books for school out of my own god damned pocket because financial aid and college fucking SUCK. I'm moving to Rhode Island and I'm going to have to pay rent and pay for the train to Boston on Tuesdays and Thursdays and pay to drive 40 minutes to work and pay for my phone and pay to keep my car running and just burn money because it's the story of my life. I can't deal with this. ='(

I've been really stressed forever and I'm starting to crack and I don't want to. I just want things to work out and be okay and fix themselves. I want to make the right choices and not be fucked over like my parents but it's too late for that. I'm already screwed because of school. Why is it so expensive? It doesn't even make sense. America wants it's citizens to be educated and get good jobs yet they make it almost impossible to do so. If you didn't do amazing in high school or if you're not a minority (and I belong to neither club) you're basically shit on their shoe, fend for yourself. They make you believe all through grade school and high school that you NEED to go to college to survive and be successful so everyone does it and ends up in insane debt forever. Banks take advantage of college freshman and send them credit cards so they spend it all because they're college freshman and have no conception of how to deal with money and credit so they screw themselves and the banks LOVE IT because now they'll make money off of you until you die.

Money rules the world and I hate it.

I'm going apple picking tomorrow and it's the only thing I'm excited about right now, really excited about actually. Apple picking rules :)